


When You're Sober

by Lexilindale35



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: F/M, Mating Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-12 23:55:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7954009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexilindale35/pseuds/Lexilindale35
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And yet she still can't find the courage to face him, or her feelings, without knocking back a few shots first.</p><p>Or: The one where Nesta finally tells Cassian how she feels while intoxicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Being guarded isn’t a sin. Having walls and defenses should make like easier. But for Nesta it makes like that much harder. Because everyone around her can’t see through her disguise. Well only a select few know that she keeps everyone at a distance because she’s afraid to get close. Feyre knows, she’s always known. That’s why she became their provider. That’s why Nesta has always been so angry.

 

Her little sister shouldn’t have been the one to step up. She should’ve been. It was her place and her pride wouldn’t let her. Then again if the roles had been reversed, if Nesta had been the one in the woods that day, none of this would’ve happened. She wouldn’t have found herself in the most beautiful city, surrounded by Fae.

 

Feyre wouldn’t be smiling at Rhysand, happier than she’s ever been. And well Nesta wouldn’t be fighting the feelings that started the day that Illyrian bastard promised to protect her and her sister — even while they were still human.

 

Her hand curls around her glass, sweat from the condensation slick against her fingers. She takes another drink, wishing her mind and heart would stop battling. She’s tired of fighting, tired of hating herself. She just wants to live in the world her sisters live in. She wants to be happy, she wants to open up.

 

But it’s so damn hard to figure out how.

 

Nesta knows it's wrong. She knows using alcohol as a crutch is bad. But she's scared, she's never been one to let her emotions get the best of her. No matter how hard she tries that damn Illyrian keeps getting under her skin.

 

Cassian knows it's hard for her. She sees it in his easy smile, the nerves that come whenever she actually talks to him without fighting. He knows who she is, how she hides behind her angry mask. And he still does everything he can to agitate her.

 

They all met at Rita’s tonight. Nesta knows she needs a few drinks in her system before she has the courage to talk to Cassian. Feyre tells her it's time to stop being a bitch and tell him the truth. She knows her sister just wants her to be happy. And for some reason that smug faced bat backs her happy. 

 

She's not even sure when it happened or how. All she knew was one day she was smiling without reason, Cassian on her mind. She has let herself slip a few times. Usually she was drunk when she thought of what it would feel like to kiss him. 

 

She didn't know how to love him sober. She didn't let anyone through her walls when she was in control. 

 

Nesta was on her third drink when she thought back to that terrible day. That day when she lost her life and gained a new one. A life she didn't ask for or really want to live. But she remembers him reaching for her, never mind the blood he was covered in. He reached towards her, as if he could still save her.

 

Maybe that's why she felt drawn to Rhysand's General. Maybe because he had made a promise to protect her and her sister, to fight on a battle field in order to save them, that she felt the need to be near him. Then again she knew it was more than just normal feelings she was trying to ignore whenever Cassian was around.

 

Her stomach would grow butterflies, her heart would beat erratically. Her pulse would quicken and she swore she could feel the same thing happening to him. It scared her at first, but now it's become a comfort. It's been the only thing that helps her fall asleep whenever the world becomes to much for her.

 

And yet she still can't find the courage to face him, or her feelings, without knocking back a few shots first.

 

She'll never admit it to anyone save herself, but she's jealous of her sisters. They make life look so easy. They make love look like child's play. Because they've never hidden their hearts or been afraid of opening up. They've never run from their feelings. Nesta isn't sure where she learned it from, but her sisters were the lucky ones.

 

They found their mates and accepted the bond. They never feared the pain of losing them, the pain of losing themselves in another person. Nesta was terrified she wouldn't recognize herself if she too let another soul bond with hers.

 

She was all fire and he was all ice. He could soothe her like no other, but in a flash he could agitate her to no end. Where she was prickly he was soft. They were two halves of a whole and no one understood why Nesta kept denying their attraction.

 

She threw back another shot and then stood up when she heard the general walk through the door. She watched as the girls gathered around him, they all loved his stupid face. It was no secret that Cassian has had his fair share of women in the past. But Nesta noticed how he didn't talk about them as much another. He wanted her to know they were all in the past.

 

And if she wanted she could be his future.

 

Nesta sat staring at the mob, wondering if she would ever feel okay again. She slid her drink back and forth in front of her, knowing the moment she gave in her life would change. But wasn't that a risk she should be dying to take? She was young and newly made. Cassian had spent over five hundred years waiting for her.

 

And she was too scared to realize how lucky she was.

 

Feyre flashed her an encouraging smile and nodded. Nesta looked away from her baby sister, her heart pounding in her ears. She hated how much older Feyre seemed now that she was fae. She always hated how she never needed Nesta to care for her. She inhaled deeply, she knew she wouldn't be good at this. She didn't have any experience, she barely knew herself.

 

And yet she knew without a doubt as he came into view he was everything she never knew she would want in a mate.

 

The word hits her in the gut. Mate. She took in a deep breath, the alcohol making her grip looser on herself. She closed her eyes for a moment and thought of how happy Feyre and Rhysand were. She could be happy with Cassian. She was happy with him.

 

She just needed to find a way to let herself feel happy, even when she still felt so broken. So out of place in this new body of hers.

 

"Nesta," that sly grin appeared on his face as he found his way out of the mess of girls that surrounded him and walked to her.

 

She opened her eyes and she tried not to, but she couldn't stop herself from smiling at him. He looked so much better than he had in the past months. His wings were healed and so was his spirit. He was the same old Cassian who could annoy the hell out of her. His hair was longer, his eyes were brighter. She could smell him even before he stepped in front of her.

 

He was the same old Cassian she vowed to hate for her entire life. But tonight he knocked the breath from her lungs when he looked at her with those big brown eyes.

 

She took in a deep breath, "Illyrian," she nodded at him, still trying to keep him away. Still trying to push him out and keep him at a distance.

 

He laughed, "you know my name is Cassian," his fingers brushed against hers, "but you can call me whatever you'd like, sweetheart."

 

She hated nicknames, but she didn't scold him. Even if she was glaring he knew she loved the pet name that rolled off his lips. She had told him as much one drunken night when she fell into his bed. Sure they did nothing but sleep, Nesta curling up around him and letting him hold her like she never would if she had been sober. It had been the best night of her life, even though she still ran out of there as if her tail was on fire that next morning.

 

"I know I'm your favorite person," he kept his voice low as the bartender brought him a drink, "but did you need me for something? Because if not we should find Rhys and Feyre. They're probably waiting for us."

 

Nesta struggled in a breath, "I need to talk to you."

 

Cassian wiggled his eyebrows, "I'd like to do more than just talk with you, Nesta."

 

She rolled her eyes and tried to stop listening to the humming in her veins. Her stomach tightened as she looked at him, and she tried to turn off her brain. This was just Cassian, someone she would consider a friend even if she hated saying she had any friends. 

 

He took a sip of his drink, the bottle clenched between two of his fingers. Nesta couldn't help but watch his Adam's apple bob up and down, her blood singing in her veins. She bit her bottom lip, cursing the strong desire that overwhelmed her. The strong desire to pull him into her and never let him go.

 

"What is it love?" He pulled the bottle back down and set it on the bar. She bit down harder on her lip, trying to keep some control over her drunken self.

 

She melted when he called her love. It curled down her spine and into her toes. He knew it too, that's why he used it when no one else was around. He might call everyone sweetheart, but she was the only female he had ever called love. She smiled, her heart speeding up.

 

Before she could think about it, before she could second guess herself she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. She breathed in his scent, sandalwood and sky wrapped around her. Warm, he was so warm. He smelled like home.

 

She pressed her lips to his, her entire body on fire as he grabbed her hips and pulled her closer. She closed her eyes, feeling the moan building in the back of her throat as the warmth from the alcohol drained down her stomach. She might not be sober, but she would never forget this moment. Because Cassian felt safe. Cassian holding her like this, it felt right.

 

They were both breathing heavily when he pulled away. His eyes sparkled, the lights reflecting off of them. Nesta blushed as he kept his hands on her waist, "why don't you know how to do that when you're sober?"

 

She had barely caught her breath. Her body craved his, her mind screaming at her to stop fighting so hard. She smiled, leaning into his chest.

 

"I'm trying," she whispered softly, "to let you in."

 

Cassian inhaled deeply, his smile no longer cocky. It was real, it reached his eyes and lit up his entire face, "can I tell you a secret?"

 

She nodded, "as long as he don't plan on letting me go after you do."

 

He laughed, it was deep and vibrated through his chest. He tightened his hands against her hips, "never Nesta. I never plan on letting you go."

 

Her body felt light, her mind stopped begging her to pull away. She wasn't fighting her fire she was giving into in. Giving into feeling something for someone other than her sisters. She smiled up at him, pressing another soft kiss against his lips before he spoke.

 

"I've wanted to kiss you ever since you oh so graciously kicked me in the groin."

 

Nesta couldn't help but laugh as she pulled herself back, leaving a space between their bodies so she could run her finger down his chest.

 

Cassian shivered against her touch, "who says I won't do that again?"

 

"Nesta," he drug her name out, begging her to close the distance she had caused between them. 

 

She giggled in his arms, Nesta thought it was a sound she could get used to hearing. She didn't know this girl standing there in his arms. This girl who was giggling and laughing, smiling and feeling lighter than air. She had never felt so free before.

 

She kissed him hard, wrapping her arms around his neck, "I want to love you Cassian. I want to be your mate."

 

He pulled her in and before she realized it he picked her feet up off the floor and twirled her around. She had been afraid of giving into the bond they both felt slip into place weeks ago. She had been afraid of herself and him. But mostly she had been afraid of losing yet another person she had come to care for. She wasn't ready for that. 

 

But standing there under the bar lights, seeing the man who would do anything to protect her smile up at her as if she hung the stars in the sky, she felt her defenses slip. She wanted to love someone, she wanted to feel what Feyre and Elain had found. She wanted to believe in love and to have someone believe in her as well.

 

Even before this moment, after finding herself in this new life, she realized why she never wanted to feel this way about the human boys in their town. Because she had been waiting. 

 

She had been waiting for him.

 

She could feel her sister watching as the Illyrian picked her up and kissed her for everyone to see. It's not like they were hiding the first kissed, but this one was different. This one was the kiss that made their bond flash behind her closed eyelids. This kiss was the first step into their new life together.

 

She smiled as he pulled his lips away and brushed his nose against hers. Nesta was giggling as she opened her eyes and saw his face light up. He looked like a school boy getting exactly what he wanted for Christmas.

 

Rhysand found them first, "do we have something to celebrate?"

 

He raised an eyebrow at his friend, Cassian pulling Nesta close to his side. The mating bond wasn't fresh, but their acceptance of it was. Which made it that much sweeter to them both. Because Cassian had given her a choice, and he was more than thrilled with the fact that in the end she chose him.

 

"Yes we do. Drinks all around Rhys. We're celebrating my mate."

 

Feyre came and put her hand on Nesta's shoulder. Everyone was happy, even Nesta felt some of the darkness leave her heart. She smiled at Cassian, his face bright with love and admiration as Rhys hooked his arm around his neck and tousled his hair.

 

"Finally someone who can put up with you, you pain in the ass," they were laughing. Cassian's laugh had to be her favorite sound. She had been a fool to think she could fight this bond. Nesta had been too hell bent on destroying herself she ever realize how they could help heal each other. 

 

Cassian was happier than the day he got his wings back. He couldn't stop grabbing her hand and pulling her close, growling at other men who even glanced her way. He even pushed Rhsyand away when he tried to hug her. She laughed when the High Lord glared at his friend. But he understood, he had been in his place once too.

 

She was quiet as she stayed close to his side, sipping on more drinks and listening as others told their own tales of finding their mate and accepting the bone. Feyre even shared her story, one Nesta never realized she wanted to hear. For the first time in her new skin, she felt like she had found a family.

 

Cassian kept his arm around her waist, never letting her stray far. Every once and a while he would kiss the top of her head. It was a gentle reminder that he was there, that he would always be there for her and no one else. Nesta felt safe, loved and protected. For the first time in her life she finally felt like she belonged somewhere.

 

She belonged beside him.

 

They celebrated long into the night, Nesta could barely keep her eyes open by the time Rita's finally shut down and the bartender kicked everyone out. Cassian kept her steady, held her beside him as they left the hot stuffy bar. When they all stumbled out into the warm night air, he kissed her softly.

 

"My mate," he breathed into her lips, "my beautiful life."

 

Nesta smiled, her eyes threatening to stay closed with every blink she gave. But she couldn't stop staring at this happy man in front of her. The happiest Cassian she had ever seen. 

 

"Take me home my love," she was more than sober now. But she kept her words slow.

 

Cassian scooped her up in his arms, holding her bridle style as she giggled, "you don't have to tell me twice."

 

There would be stories told of Nesta and Cassian. The girl with the heart of fire and the man who's ice claimed her. It was a story she would tell her children, how one look into their fathers eyes stopped the storms that filled hers. She would never be that broken girl again. She would tell them how she learned to love and how opening up her heart led her to places she never even dreamed she would go.

 

She was Cassian’s mate, his soul bonded for eternity. She couldn't think of a better place to call her home than right there in his arms.

 

Nesta wanted to be with her mate. She wanted him so badly it hurt. But she could barely keep her eyes open as he winnowed them into his bedroom and laid her down on the soft mattress. She let out a sigh of content as she pulled him down with her. She buried her face in his pillow.

 

She knew it could wait, they had all the time in the world to be mates, to make it official. She knew they could take their time, because they had found their way out of the darkness once, they could wait a few more hours to finally feel complete together.

 

Cassian ran the tips of his fingers over her arm, his restraint was impressive. Nesta smiled as she looked at him before closing her eyes. She curled up in his arms, breathing him in and knowing that when she woke up she would never let him go. She let go of her fears and let herself fall for him. She knew now how easy it would be to let herself love him sober.

 

There was no turning back now. Nesta was all in. And she was more than okay with spending her immortal life with Cassian beside her.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years after Nesta gives into Cassian. A cute little fluffy scene.

Cassian's breath is hot against Nesta's neck, her body well aware of how close they are laying. Her heart speeds up, her legs twitch as his hand moves against her hips. She wiggles slightly against him, feeling his stomach against her butt. He inhales sharply and she knows at this point they are both awake.

 "Nesta," he draws out her name, like he can't believe she is still here.

 His nose brushes against her neck as his hand sneaks further down her stomach, his lips pressing a kiss against the crook of her neck.

 "Is this a dream?" His sleepy voice rouses her even more, "because if it is I never wanna wake up."

Nesta can't help but laugh, opening her eyes as his hand travels further south, "you've said that every morning for the last two years. Get a knew line man."

Cassian smiling is her favorite sight to wake up to. She doesn't make to move, but she can feel his smile against her skin. He presses a hot kiss against her shoulder, her back arching against his chest as his fingers play beneath the waist band of her shorts.

"That's because I still can't believe you're here. Or that you're sober," he whispers the last part and Nesta can't help but laugh.

Two years together and Cassian still can't believe Nesta chose him. But she did, she still does, every day she choses to be his mate, to fall into bed with him. She would never choose anyone else. Because he is it for her, bond or not. She is drawn to him like a month to a flame. He is her person.

She will always choose him. No matter how much they fight or how crazy he makes her. She worries when he doesn't come home on time, she nurses his injuries. Cassian taught her to fight, to use her fire and propel it on the battle field. But mostly Cassian showed her that her fire made her stronger, it made her who she was. 

And Cassian loves and worships every single inch of her.

They are more than perfect together. He is her opposite in every way possible. They are two halves of a whole and they make each other stronger.

Sometimes Nesta wakes up in the middle of the night searching for him. It's rare that they aren't wrapped up in each other, but on those nights that's when the nightmares catch her. And she searches for his arms, for the man who anchors her in the darkness and promises her life.

She doesn't know why, maybe it's the bond, but he always wakes up a few moments after her. His big arms always pull her into his chest and his deep voice calms her heart.

Because he presses a kiss against her forehead and whispers, "I'm here, love. I've got you."

He does what no one else ever dared to try and do. He kisses away her tears and holds her close. He doesn't try to be someone he's not, he lets her tears fall on his chest and he holds her even tighter. He doesn't promise her it'll be okay, he doesn't offer her pretty words to mend whatever the cauldron had broke inside her.

He just holds her and promises that he will always be there. No matter what he's there, solid and warm and safe. That's when Nesta knows the bond is a real living thing. When she knows without a doubt in his arms is where she truly belongs.

Nesta never has to breathe a word. He never asks for an explanation in the darkness or the morning. Instead she falls back asleep without any heartache or nightmares to follow. 

Cassian is her saving grace, she's not sure how she lived before he became her mate. She's not sure how she survived her own fire, her own mess of a heart, before this man wrapped his arms around her and tried with everything inside of him to put the broken pieces back together.

His finger tighten against her waist as he holds her still against his chest. She smiles, closing her eyes once more and thinking of all the things they could do today now that he was back. It had been a long two weeks. He had been away at one of the camps, Nesta missing him every single second he was gone. She didn’t want to leave this bed today.

But she knew her sister would throw a fit if they didn’t show up.

"Cass," Nesta voice is filled with air, "we have to to --," she stops, her voice catching as he starts to draw circles on her stomach.

He kisses the crook of her neck, "I know we have that stupid party today."

She lets out a moan as he bites down on her pulse. She can feel his desire pulsing through their bond. Two years and she still can't get enough of him. She wasn't sure she would ever get enough of her Illyrian.

Cassian’s breath hits the nape of her neck, "I love how you feel against me in the mornings, at night. I'll never get enough of you Nesta."

Nesta smiles more to herself than for her mate, "me too, Cass. Two years and I still kick myself for wasting time being afraid of you."

His fingers make her shiver as she feels him smile, pressing his teeth into her shoulder, "don't worry love, we have all the time in the world to make up for those few months."

He always calls her love and whenever he does the shiver shoots down her spine and through their bond. She knows that's why he does it, because it makes her crazy. They could be in the middle of the biggest fight of their lives and she would stop the moment he called her love. Because he had gotten through the walls. He loves her fire, he did what no one else had ever done.

He accepted her for who she was. For the flaws she couldn't change. He knew her walls were fears and he tried every single day to break the chains that bound her heart.

Nesta doesn't tell him nearly enough that he had shattered the chains around her heart long ago. Even before she was made again, he slipped under her skin and into her soul. When he promised to protect her and her sisters from whatever was to come.

It's like the caldron knew and remade her just for him.

He sighs and stops letting the tips of his fingers graze her skin. Nesta lets out a disappointed sound, "why'd you stop?"

He laughs. It’s her favorite sound in this broken world, "we should probably get ready. If I recall you mentioned you wanted to shower before Feyre's party."

Nesta groans, remembering putting it off last night. She sighs, wiggling closer to him, "we have time."

Cassian laughs again and it vibrates against her back as his hand plays with fire. He never moves it from her stomach, drawing lazy circles around as she pushes herself closer to him. These were always her favorite moments. In the morning when the world is still and Cassian is the only thing real. These were the moments Nesta let it all in.

When she realizes she never should've denied their bond in the first place.

Nesta moves her head, giving him even more access to her neck. He presses hot kisses along the part that connects to her shoulder. Then he stops at her pulse point and she jumps when his tongue slides across her warm skin. Everywhere he touches is on fire and she can barely keep herself from begging him for more.

"Cassian," his name falls from her lips in a plea, drawn out and begging for more.

She spins around in his arms, capturing his lips in her as their bond surges between them. Two years since she had finally given in and this never seems to be enough. No matter how many nights they fall asleep together, how many mornings they spend in bed, none of it was enough. She always craves more.

It’s as if her body wants nothing more than to swallow him up and melt them into one person. 

She sighs happily as he kisses her, his hand moving from her stomach to her hips. She wraps her arms around his neck as he pulls her up onto his lap. She smiles against his lips, her hands pressing against his bare chest. He is warm and his muscles are hard underneath her soft hands. Without thinking she traces the tattoo on his chest.

Cassian shivers as her fingers trail along his skin.

Whenever they start they can't stop. Where one person ends the other begins. They are two halves of a whole, a storm that no one knows how to stop. Nesta always feared the storm in her eyes, the fire within her soul. But Cassian never did. He embraced her fire, he withstood the storm. Now whenever he held her in his arms he made sure she knew she was the most precious thing in his world.

"Cassian," she says his name again as she runs her fingers across his shoulders and he shivers once more. She loves having an affect on him. She loves that she can feel everything within their bond. 

Nesta has always been afraid of love. She has always feared the all consuming feelings, the commitment that comes along with it. But mostly she feared whoever she ended up with getting bored and walking away. People were fickle and life was a bitch. She kept herself guarded so that she would never be disappointed by love.

But here with Cassian, their bond flashing behind her eyes, she knows he will never leave. She knows she is a part of his heart, woven into the very center. There is nothing she could do or say to make him walk away. They are mates, bonded for the rest of their immortal lives.

And for the first time that doesn't scare Nesta. For the first time she doesn’t want to hide. For the first time she wants to spend forever finding herself in someone else.

"I love you," she whispers against his lips.

He always loves when she says it first, "you are mine," he replies his lips moving towards her neck as her entire body pressed against his, "my mate, my heart, my soul."

Nesta smiles as she presses her face into his shoulder, biting down as he lets out a loud groan.

They are both still wearing their pants, clearly trying to be as close as possible, when the door opens. Neither one of them hears it, their eyes closed as their mouths move together. Mor sighs as she watches her first friend and his mate wrapped up together.

She is happy for them. Happier than she ever thought she would be watching Cassian find his mate. He deserves to be happy after so many centuries of pain and death that they hadve endured. They all do.

Mor clears her throat as she stands there awkwardly, both Cassian and Nesta too preoccupied to notice her. She sighs again and then lets the door fall open and bang into the wall, Nesta jumps back from Cassian before Mor gets the full show. She leans her hip against the door frame.

"Sorry to interrupt but Feyre is getting impatient and wants us to come down and help her get things ready," she lifts an eyebrow, "should I tell her you're busy?"

Nesta blushes as Cassian holds her tighter against his lap. She shakes her head well aware of how her little sister would tease her about this, "no. It's okay yeah. I'll be right down. Tell her I uh, have to get dressed."

Mor laughs and gives her a two finger salute. That earns an eye roll from Cassian, "I won't mention anything else."

The blonde haired girl leaves, leaving the door wide open. Nesta sighs as she leans her forehead against Cassian's. It takes a moment for them to calm the fire that had sparked within their bodies. The bond begged them to finish what they started. Nesta's heart hammers inside her chest. Cassian places his hand over it and smiles.

She nods placing her small fingers over his, "that's you, Cass."

He lifts her hand slowly, pressing it against his own chest. His big hand cover hers as she feels his heart beating twice as fast, "it's always been you Nesta."

Nesta fights off tears as she looks into his beautiful brown eyes. She smiles, a tear slipping past before she can stop it. Cassian wipes it away, smiling up at her like she is everything he had ever asked the Gods to give him. She closes her eyes as he presses a soft kiss against her forehead.

Once their breathing evens out she opens her eye and finds his eyes staring back at her. The bond feels so small compared to the love and desire that is reflected there in his gaze.

Nesta moves her hips against his and she lets out a strangled sigh, "we need to move out."

His deep laugher fills the room, it hits her right in her soul as he kisses her one final time and then lets her go, "God I was just thinking the same thing, love."

\--

Feyre insists their impromptu party be held outside the house of wind. Her sister has become a perfectionist, nagging and annoying with every month that passes and she becomes more pregnant. Yes the high lord and lady are excepting their first baby. Nesta is excited to become an aunt. But she is also excited to see her sister become a mother.

Ever since she opened up to Cassian she feels a world of emotions. She loves everyone in her life harder, she lets herself show it too. She isn't afraid of losing them, of hiding her pain anymore. Because she has Cassian, who promised her no matter what he will always be there.

"What is this thing for anyways?" Nesta asks as Feyre has them rearrange the seating yet again. Elain is busy making the flowers to set as the centerpiece, having to redo the last one because Feyre didn't like the smell.

Mor smiles at Nesta and then glances away. She watches the queen's eyes fall on Feyre's and they smile as if they share a secret. Nesta realizes there is something they aren't telling her. She feels her anger ball up, she feels the fire stir inside of her.

"I wanted to formally celebrate the baby," Feyre's voice is soft. Her hand goes towards her stomach and Nesta feels a pang of jealousy. Because she never thought she would want to be as happy as her sister with her mate.

But suddenly Nesta wants everything she can ever possibly get with Cassian. 

Something stirs inside her soul, as if Cassian feels her. She feels her anger disappear, her body flush with love. She narrows her eyes at the two women putting the plates on the table. Nesta notices that her sister has picked the good china, which means something is up.

Something more than just celebrating the baby. 

“Don’t bother,” Elain sys as she comes to stand by Nesta’s side, “Feyre won’t tell you anything other than that this is for the baby.”

Nesta rolls her eyes, trying to make it seem like she doesn’t care, “whatever. I just wanted to spend the day with my mate,” her voice breaks as the bond flickers inside her heart, “since he hasn’t been home for a while. And Feyre so rudely interrupted us this morning.”

Cassian had been away at the camps again. He checks up on them more than a mother checks on her child. Nesta always promises him she understands, but she hates falling asleep without him. She hates not having him there for days at a time. She also hates that she has let herself become that girl. The girl who is so obsessed with her partner she forgets the life she had before him.

Whenever those feelings overwhelm her Cassian sends her strength. He tells her she is more than their bond, she is her own person and she is allowed to miss him even when she doesn’t want to. Maybe it’s the way he understands everything she feels, the way he accepts her and never tells her pretty lies that make her feel so much for him.

Because she has never let herself fall this easily, or this hard. 

Feyre laughs, “Nesta you have all the time in the world to mate. I want my entire family here to celebrate the little bundle of joy Rhys and I are awaiting. I know you’re excited too.”

She can’t help but smile at her little sister. She was excited. Because she never thought she would find this. When their father lost his fortune and their mother died, she never thought she would have a family again. She never thought she would feel whole. And now there is a baby, a baby her sister iss going to bring into this world with someone she loves more than life itself.

Sometimes this crazy world makes Nesta so emotional she can’t stand it. That came along with the bond, the tears and the emotions. She never had them before, she never felt so in love with her life or herself, before she let Cassian in. It’s like he changed her, took a piece of her black soul and lit it up without her even knowing.

Nesta can’t say she hated him for it.

Nesta sighs loudly, “I don’t understand why we aren’t eating at the apartment,” her sisters stop at that comment, “who’s house is this anyways?”

Feyre shrugs, “one of Azriel’s properties I think. I needed a change of scenery from our apartment, Nesta. I thought it would be fun to see Velaris from somewhere else.”

Nesta’s eyes fall on the window and she can’t deny that this city wasn’t beautiful. It is bright even at nighttime, all the stars light up the sky. She doesn’t hate it here as much as they all thought she did. It is the beauty that wraps itself in the darkness that tells her everything has a happy ending. Even the stars find their home.

Nesta’s mind wanders to Cassian. He is the light that wraps around her darkness and lights her up from within.

Rhys finishes cooking just as Feyre decides that the dining room is perfect. Azriel comes into the room, planting a kiss on Mor’s cheek before pulling her chair out for her. Nesta can’t help but smile at their display because they were the last ones to find that bond. They are so cute and meant for each other it killed everyone to watch them deny their feelings.

Elain sits down across from Nesta, smiling at her sister. Lucien wasn’t allowed at this dinner, not because Rhysand wouldn’t let him come. But because Tamlin wouldn’t let his friend come to the Night Court. As if they were still dangerous to each other. The war had ended years ago, they were all on solid ground.

Nesta can see her sister missing her mate. She can see it in her eyes, she wishes he was here with them. She wishes her family was as complete as Feyre's is. 

Before she has a chance to feel angry at her little’s sister’s former lover, a warm hand presses against her shoulder and his scent fills her lungs. She smiles as he dips down and offers a soft kiss against her cheek, the bond tightening as he keeps his emotions in check. Nesta turns to look at him.

“Is everything okay?” she whispers softly as he pulls her chair out for her. She sits down, watching and waiting for him to reply. He sits down beside her, picking up her hand and running his thumb lightly over his palm. 

“Everything is fine love,” he murmurs as the food is passed around.

She can feel something is off about everything. They aren’t joking like they normally are during their meals. Easy conversion isn’t flooding around the room Amren wasn’t here. Nesta narrows her eyes at her mate, he is hiding something. She just isn’t sure she wants to find out what it is.

Feyre taps her fork against her water glass and then lifts it into the air, while everyone else lifts their wine, “a toast,” she says before anyone starts to eat, “to family, new and old.”

Her eyes fall on Elain and Nesta, then slowly go around the table to their new family. The family they have chosen. She has forgotten her hand is still holding his until he squeezes it gently. Nesta smiles as he lets go, letting his fingers fall onto her thigh.

 “And a toast,” Rhys adds, “to the newest little member whom we cannot wait to meet.”

Feyre giggles as he touches her stomach. Nesta wants to roll her eyes, but she stops herself. All Rhys did these days was follow her sister around. He is overbearing and if she was Feyre she would find it annoying. But she knows her little sister loves the attention, she knows she is more than okay with her mate constantly checking up on her. Because Rhysand never had that family, it was taken away from him.

Feyre is giving it back to him in the only way she can. By being his mate, his equal and the mother of all his future children.

The chatter starts once everyone takes the first bite of their food. Rhysand asks about the camp Cassian has just checked up on. He doesn’t take his left hand off her thigh, instead he traces little circles on her inner thigh, sending goosebumps onto her skin. She shivers as she listens to him talk, not hearing the words he says, but just listening to the sound of his voice.

Mor asks Elain how the Spring Court is doing and Feyre talks to Azriel about something Nesta can’t quiet here. She sits there watching her new family, slowly realizing how foolish she had been to fight every single one of them when she first arrived here. She had needed her defenses when she was human to keep herself safe. She should’ve realized these people would never do her any harm.

  
Feyre wouldn’t still be here if that were the case. 

“Cassian,” she says his name softly once he finishes talking to Rhys. He looks towards her, those big brown eyes enough to make her tear up. Gods above he always looked at her like she as the most beautiful creation in this world. Nesta doesn’t deserve an ounce of the love he gave her.

 He smiled, “you deserve it all, Nesta,” he whispers softly, leaning in, kissing her cheek.

 She smiles back at him, “thank you. For giving me this family, this second chance. I didn’t appreciate it when I was remade, but now,” her eyes fall on Feyre who is laughing at something Rhys said, “now I realize not everyone gets to have a second chance at life.”

 Cassian’s smile falters, his eyes grow bigger. She feels something tug at her heart, the bond telling her he never thought she was happy in this life. Sure he wanted to believe she was happy with him, but he didn’t think she was happy with who she was, or what she has become. He was so afraid she would never accept him or the inner circle that it pained him to know she was so afraid of herself.

 He doesn’t say anything to her. Instead he sighs and turns to look at the table. Slowly he stands up, “guys, I have something I’d like to say.”

 Nesta watches as he stands in front of her, his hands reaching out for her. Both her sisters are smiling like fools as he grabs her hands and pulls her up out of her chair. Nesta can barely breathe, terrified of what he was about to say. Was he going to embarrass her in front of them all? Was he going to tell them how soft hearted she truly was?

He laughs and soothes her through their bond, the only way he knows how. He keeps her calm even though she can feel his heart going a million miles a minute. He looks into her eyes and she can see the future with him. She can see herself happy like Feyre, missing him like Elain. She imagines the children they could one day have, the life they would build together. She can see it all in that one single look and she isn’t even afraid to believe in it.

She isn’t afraid to believe in him.

Everyone is silent as Cassian takes in a breath. It is the only sound in the room as they all wait to hear what he has to say. Nesta is about to tell him to get on with it, but then he reaches into his pocket. Slowly Cassian kneels down on one knee. Nesta feels the air leave her lungs.

His eyes never leave hers as he moves, "Nesta Acheron you are my life, my soul. I don't have a big fluffy speech because I'm not that guy and you’re not that girl. But I don't care if you want to knee me in the groin everyday for the rest of my life. As long as you're my wife, I will be the happiest man alive," there were tears in his eyes as he paused to look up at her, "so what do you say? Will you marry me?"

Tears fill Nesta's eyes. Her hands fly to her mouth and she can barely believe this is happening. Her entire family is here, Feyre is smiling with Rhsyand beside her. His hand on her growing stomach. Elain looks just as happy across the room. Azriel has the biggest grin on his face as Mor grabs his hand. Everyone had been in on this, she could tell. This had been the big secret they were hiding earlier.

She would've called them out on it if she wasn't so damn happy. She takes in a deep breath and looks back at her mate.

Five hundred years he had been waiting for this, for her. He spent his life on a battle field defending humans and fae alike, never knowing one day he would choose a woman as amazing and beautiful as his reborn fae Nesta. He would spend the rest of his life worshiping her, thanking the gods for bringing them together. 

Cassian swallows slowly, Nesta watching his Adam’s apple move as she looks down at him. Silence filled the room as they wait for her to answer. It isn’t that she is thinking about it, she just can’t find her voice, she can’t speak. She has no words to say, nothing can capture the feelings inside her heart. Because even with that bond, he proved to her with that ring that he is choosing her every single day for the rest of her life.

"Yes," she finally forces the air filled word out of her throat. 

Cassian slips the ring on her finger before standing up and wrapping her in his arms and kissing her hard on the lips as she hears her sisters sigh happily at the display. Nesta hears them clapping as she holds tightly to Cassian. She won’t let him go to his brothers, she won’t let them slap him on the shoulder.

Because in this moment right here, she needs to feel his skin against hers. She needs to know that this is real, that it wasn’t a dream that would be shattered when she woke up alone in her room.

Cassian can taste her tears on his lips as he pulls away. His entire life is there in his arms. He had never been this happy, ever. He frames her face with his big hands and pulls back slowly to look at her beautiful face.

"Do you like the house?" He whispers as everyone continues watching them.

"Yeah but who's is it?"

"Ours," he whispers softly as Nesta finally understands what is happening. 

Her mouth falls open and more tears fill her eyes. "Cass."

"You're my mate, my fiancée. Now we won't get interrupted in the mornings," he says softly as Nesta hugged him. He lets out a laugh, feeling their bond glow inside his chest. He knows it’s Nesta telling him everything she never knows how to say out loud.

No one has ever wanted to take care of her. No one has dared tried to make her into a victim, a person who needed to be cared for. But Cassian wasn’t forcing this on her, he was giving her everything she never thought she wanted. A life and a home. A mate who is her equal in every way that matters. Nesta smiles brightly and hugs him, feeling the bond pulse between them. His wings flutter as she runs her hands over his shoulders.

"You're too good for me," she says quietly as she feels her sisters still watching them get their happily ever after.

Cassian runs his knuckle down her cheek, "I could say the same about you. I love you."

"Yeah. I think I love you too.”

After one more kiss Rhysand pulls the mates apart and hugs his commander. Azriel comes over and shakes his hand. Feyre hugs her sister as tightly as she can with her tiny little bump in between them. Nesta hugs both her sisters, feeling lighter than she has ever felt before.

“You knew about this,” she laughs as she wipes away a tear, Feyre tries to play innocent, “thank you.”

Feyre kisses her cheek, “you’re my big sister. I’ve always wanted to see you happy. Cassian, he makes you happier than I’ve ever believed to be possible. I’m glad you two found each other.”

Nesta smiles, her eyes sliding towards her mate, “me too.”

She has lived an interesting life, human and fae. Nesta isn’t sure what she had done to get so lucky, to find a family who accepted her as she is. But she would do everything she possibly could to hold on as tightly as possible to the salvation she had found within this circle.

Cassian leaves his brothers and comes back to her, wrapping his arms around her waist from behind. She leans into him, pressing her back against his chest and smiles as his lips graze her temple, “it’s you and me now. Forever.”

She nods her head before leaning it back against his shoulder, “you and me.”

Nesta can’t help but smile because somehow she has found her happy ever after. Even when she thought she did everything she could to push it as far away from her as possible. She has found her place, here in this man’s arms. And she never plans on leaving his side.

She turns to face him, spreading her fingers flat against his chest, right above his heart. She feels it flutter, the bond bright between them, “I claim you.”

Cassian’s smile is radiant. His arms wrap around her waist as hers wind around his neck. He presses his forehead to hers, “as I claim you, love.”

He presses a sweet kiss to her lips and she knows this is exactly how it feels to finally live. This is what it feels like to finally come home. 


End file.
